Wednesday, March 18, 2015
By Eddie Spuhghetti
"Ready or not, I'm com-ing; baby, I've got some muscle for you." Not even The Smiths could start a chorus that vivid. Leave it to media personality and possibly hands-down "the best TV dad of the 80's" Alan Thicke to take on the challenge of writing and performing a song to energize the crowd while hosting the 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship. Hailed as an Honorary Chairperson of the National Fitness Foundation (vanity credit, no doubt), Thicke presented the fourth annual event which marked the last year that Crystal Light was its main sponsor; Reebok would take the honor in 1990. Now that you're prepared, let's get physical: I'll spot you while ya get in a few reps of "Sweaty and Hot".
Alan conjures up verses like "Stallion with the Schwarzenegger neck" and "Spectacular! Car-dee-oh-vas-cu-lar!" that make you wonder why the hell he didn't release this as a single. He was already an established songwriter with hits like the themes to Diff'rent Strokes, The Facts Of Life and several short-lived game shows; writing an exercise-themed melody just comes naturally I guess. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he's an Honorary Chairperson of the National Fitness Foundation? "Sweaty and Hot" details the frustration of an amateur muscle-bound dude who can't get over a gal who's eyes have shifted to some 'roided bozo. So he ditches his sensitive intellect (I swear I thought for a while the line was "internet") and decides to get ripped in order to show her up; the message here is "your loss" and searsly, I love it.
But come on Eddie; what about that famous opening theme tho? "We're The Champions" (which would be the event's official theme tune over the years) recently hit 88mph and showed up on news feeds all over the place. Even one of our admins at Here Lies pulled up his phone at lunch and asked if I had seen it. I told him the song's pretty good but there's an even better song hidden within the '88 show; pulsating with 80s exercise-fad obsessiveness and thick of Alan Thicke's "embarrassing-yet-cool-dad" mannerisms. But if it's really not enough, then I'd say go have a listen after to Alpharisc's remix of the opening theme.
Searsly Spuhghetti - "Sweaty & Hot - Alan Thicke" from EddieSpuhghetti on Vimeo.